"I am the woman I am because of the heartbreak I've lived through.
This doesn't mean I cherish heartbreak. It doesn't mean I want to go through it again. Doesn't even mean that these experiences were always God's best for me. But it also doesn't mean that they weren't."
As much as losing my unborn children tore me up, I know I am the woman I am today because of it. Why did God have me go through those horrible times? Why, even though God has given me peace, does sadness sweep over me at times in an overpowering fashion? I know God has a purpose for me and a reason for this suffering, but I just wish I knew what that was.
I know that Jeromy has used our suffering as a reference point when at work. My heart breaks when I think about how he has to be the one to tell someone that they are miscarrying the precious child they are carrying. Jeromy has empathy for these patients because of what we have gone through.
Maybe God will use me in a similar fashion some day. Maybe the reason we can't have a child is because God wants us to adopt (which I truly believe) and we wouldn't have done it otherwise. I don't know. I probably will never know.
All I know is that I will never be the same woman that I was before the first miscarriage and that is okay because I believe I'm stronger now. My faith in God is stronger as well.
However, I always wish I had those children who were taken from me. As I sit here, I realize the oldest would be turning three this November and the youngest would have been born a few months ago. I am not happy about the slices cut from my life, but I can use this pain for good and not turn it against myself or someone else.
3 comments:
That statement really got me when I read it, but I never even thought about how it could be used in other situations. I'm glad it was meaningful for you.
I don't know why you've had to go through the miscarriages, but I do know that you've become stronger. I continue to admire the way you have continued to let God work through you. In times when you could have become bitter & turned from God, you've (Jeromy included) turned towards God & grown closer to Him.
There's no doubt in my mind that God will use you & your situation to minister to others! You are an amazing woman, and I'm so glad I can call you "friend"! Love you!
I love you and Jeromy! Love always from mom
The pain of losing a child is one that can only truly be understood by someone who has been there. It is difficult to wrap our finite minds around how a God of love could allow this to happen -especially at the time it is being lived through. The more that time goes on, I know that I am thankful for the pain for the small bit of understanding it gives me on the great sacrifice the Father paid through the pain of His Son.
I'm so glad you are adopting, the love you have to share will be much appreciated by a child in need.
Post a Comment