Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Monthly Depression Sets In...

I don't know what it is...but, each month I seem to battle against a little more depression. I find myself crying at odd moments and unable to explain to Jeromy the true cause of the tears. When I cry I try to hide it from him, but that is not always possible.

I don't know why I try to hide this from him. Jeromy is such a wonderful husband. Just this evening, he was such a comfort. He helps to keep my thoughts and trust focused on God. There are many times I just want to succumb to the fear, but he won't let me. I am so thankful for such a great husband.

My one wish...is that God would just tell us what His plans are. I know that is not how God works, but it would sure make my life a little more easier. Should we continue wasting money on the injections that I use each month? Should we try a new tactic? Should we give up on having a biological child and begin saving money for an adoption? I think it is the unknown that scares me so much. I don't know what to expect from one week to the next.

I don't even know if this post makes any sense. I'm tired. I have tears in my eyes once again and I have a headache (mainly due to crying). Well, in two days it will be February and currently I only have about 23 days to wait until I can start my new cycle of injections. It is going to be a long month.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Infertility Rears Its Ugly Head!

Well...failure again. Jeromy says that I shouldn't see it as my fault, but that's hard. It's my body that keeps failing.

Anyways, I felt pretty positive as the week began. I wasn't feeling the typical changes that come before a period. But, then Thursday the signs began to show up. Then, today, I was left with no other option then to call my doctor and tell them that once again my cycle had begun. Then, I was crushed a little more by my doctor saying that he wanted to wait a month. You see, my ovaries were "hot" (his word not mine) last month and he believes that it could be dangerous if we try this month. Overstimulation is always a concern when taking HMG shots.

So, not only am I sitting here depressed because once again infertility has crushed me beneath its heel, but I don't even have the hope that I could be pregnant by the end of February.

I just have to continually remind myself that God is in control. That we will get pregnant when it is the right time. I know this, but sometimes it is so difficult to wait patiently.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Most Difficult Time...

First of all I should say that I am amazed by how often I am writing in this blog. I did not realize how releasing it would be.

I have decided that the most difficult time of the month is the two weeks after ovulation. It is a time when you don't know how you should feel. I don't want to get too excited because then the disappointment is overwhelming. I also don't want to pretend that I'm not excited because that just doesn't seem right.

I'm also terrified during these times. Mainly due to the fact that I have never had a successful pregnancy. I'm afraid that I won't be pregnant. I'm afraid that I will be and I won't be able to enjoy the pregnancy because of my fear. Fear can be very debilitating.

I guess only time will tell what is around the corner.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

What Not to Say...

Well, today I feel like doing a little venting. In the past five years I have lost my father and two children through miscarriage and through these experiences I have learned the stupid things that people say when faced with another's lost. I've always wanted to vent and educate people on what they "shouldn't" say and I decided that today I would do just that.

1) "How are you feeling" - Well, I'll tell you so that you don't need to ask anyone else. I feel like crap. How do you expect someone to feel after losing someone as special as a father or losing children that they long for?

2) "I understand what you're going through." - Do you? If you have actually lost someone, then it is okay to say this. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut! Why? Because, honestly you don't understand and we know it.

3) "Don't worry there will be other chances to have a baby." (or other variations on the same theme) - Once again, something that I don't want to hear. Unless an Angel of the Lord came and told you this, how do you know? Someone who is struggling with infertility and has just had yet another miscarriage (of if it's their first) has just been crushed. They have just lived through the death of a child that they will never meet this side of heaven. If they have been struggling with infertility for years, they do not see the hope in this statement. I know I don't.

I'll stop with these three statements. I think you probably get the idea. Other suggestions: Don't force your friend who is suffering with infertility go to a party where there will be pregnant women or a lot of mothers of toddlers. If they want to go...Great! But, there are times that you are not in the mood.

I don't want you to think that struggling with infertility means that you are depressed and annoyed all the time. In my experience, this is not true. Yes, there are days. But, for the most part it is a way of life. I just spend many hours praying that God will give us a child or will at least guide us in our decisions about what step to take next. There are also countless prayers about my attitude. I don't believe I would be where I am emotionally if it wasn't from the strength that God grants me. Not to mention the wonderful husband.

Friday, January 19, 2007

A New Adventure!

Ok, I will start by saying that this is the first time I have ever done anything like a blog. I was actually inspired by some of my friends. They have blogs that chronicle important events in their lives (kind of like a journal type thing). That got me to thinking. I have a lot going on in my life right now that I would really like to write about so that in the future I can reflect on them.

I honestly don't believe that others will ever read this blog, but if you do, I hope you see not only the heartbreak that I have gone through but the happiness in which I find myself. I'm not saying that I don't have heartbreak currently in my life (I was crying only 2 hours ago), but I have come a long way through the help of God and my husband, Jeromy.

I guess I should reflect a little on the past so that if anyone is reading this they will know what I'm babbling about. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost 3 1/2 years. We started off on Clomid with guidance from my OB-GYN and had a miscarriage in November of 2003. Heartbreak episode number 1. If you have never lost a child or someone close to you, I believe it is impossible to understand the heartbreak that comes with a miscarriage. We had a couple of miscarriages throughout the next couple of years. In medical terms they are not considered miscarriages (I'm told they - the embryos- failed to emplant). However, when you get a positive pregnancy test and live with the happiness of finally being pregnant for a couple weeks it is heartbreaking when you begin to bleed.

Last year, in April 2006 we decided to give up on the Clomid and began to go to a fertility doctor. Since then, I have had to inject myself with HMG every month. In July of 2006, we received the news we were pregnant again. Then in the middle of August, we lost yet another baby. Once again...heartbreak. However, one good thing is that the fertility doctor ran me through a battery of tests and discovered that I have a disorder. I know...you don't normally hear someone say that they are glad they have a disorder, but this time it is a good thing. He discovered that I have a folic acid deficiency (abbreviation is MThF - don't ask me the actual name). Because of this deficiency it is quite possible that my body was not allowing our babies' hearts to grow. I currently am on A LOT of folic acid and will have to remain on it for the rest of my life, but the doctor believes this will prevent any future miscarriages.

Currently, Jeromy and I wait patiently to see if this month will be a success or if we will need to try yet again. The heartbreak is still there (along with fear and guilt about what I may have done to cause the miscarriages- irrational I know) but I have also found a place where I am content and happy. Jeromy and I have a wonderful life together. He is my best friend. The one person I can spend every waking moment with and never get sick of. I have a wonderful family (mom, sisters, niece, and nephew). Wonderful friends! I can even say I have a great job (even if it is incredibly stressful at times). I also serve a wonderful God! Honestly, I don't know how people get through times like these when they don't have God in their lives.

I hope this blog will help me to express the feelings that I experience as I go through this experience of trying to have a baby. I hope eventually this will turn into a story of expecting our first child (naturally or through adoption). I guess the true purpose of this blog is to remember. I want to remember how I feel and what I went through. Eventually, I would like to be able to say that this whole experience is far behind me (even though it will always be a part of me). I feel as if I am starting on a new adventure! I can't wait to see what is around the next corner.