What Not to Say...

Well, today I feel like doing a little venting. In the past five years I have lost my father and two children through miscarriage and through these experiences I have learned the stupid things that people say when faced with another's lost. I've always wanted to vent and educate people on what they "shouldn't" say and I decided that today I would do just that.

1) "How are you feeling" - Well, I'll tell you so that you don't need to ask anyone else. I feel like crap. How do you expect someone to feel after losing someone as special as a father or losing children that they long for?

2) "I understand what you're going through." - Do you? If you have actually lost someone, then it is okay to say this. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut! Why? Because, honestly you don't understand and we know it.

3) "Don't worry there will be other chances to have a baby." (or other variations on the same theme) - Once again, something that I don't want to hear. Unless an Angel of the Lord came and told you this, how do you know? Someone who is struggling with infertility and has just had yet another miscarriage (of if it's their first) has just been crushed. They have just lived through the death of a child that they will never meet this side of heaven. If they have been struggling with infertility for years, they do not see the hope in this statement. I know I don't.

I'll stop with these three statements. I think you probably get the idea. Other suggestions: Don't force your friend who is suffering with infertility go to a party where there will be pregnant women or a lot of mothers of toddlers. If they want to go...Great! But, there are times that you are not in the mood.

I don't want you to think that struggling with infertility means that you are depressed and annoyed all the time. In my experience, this is not true. Yes, there are days. But, for the most part it is a way of life. I just spend many hours praying that God will give us a child or will at least guide us in our decisions about what step to take next. There are also countless prayers about my attitude. I don't believe I would be where I am emotionally if it wasn't from the strength that God grants me. Not to mention the wonderful husband.